LOVE AND DISCIPLINE – INDISPENSIBLE DUO IN PARENTING

Rogelio G. Balo Ph.D.

  Unconditional Love

Every mother and father will unequivocally agree that the most important thing parents can give their children is love. However, another vital matter should be appropriately considered. Does this mean unconditional love? That is, just giving everything a child wants without any restraint or set of parameters to learn and follow?

Oftentimes, parents ask themselves this question. Do we need to discipline the children whom we dearly love? For most if not all of us, children are precious gifts from God. When a child is born to a family, this “bundle of joy” becomes the focus of attention of both parents and the entire family. More importantly however, parents have to realize and assume a new extremely critical role, an immense responsibility to bring up their child as a respectable and responsible individual and member of society. We have learned how many fathers and mothers have accepted with remorse their failure as good parents because of the unconditional love sans appropriate discipline they gave to their children.

Love Tempered with Discipline

Initially it is the home where a child starts to learn and pick up the basic precepts of family values, a learning process which is of paramount importance in paving a way for himself towards being a successful future and a productive member of society.

*Starting from the early formative years of his life, every child needs to be disciplined where a child is taught about the rights and wrongs of life. The first and foremost fundamental guidance that a child is provided is to respect his parents and elders. Psychologists have affirmed that a child is extremely quick in picking up bad habits but is rather slow to opt for the good habits. It is for this reason that parents require an extraordinary patience to educate the child to distinguish what is right and what is wrong.

Parenting is one of the toughest and challenging responsibilities that confront parents to their child. Whether a parent needs to be strict toward his child in order to discipline him, the fact remains that the process of disciplining the child in his initial years will result to his benefit in the long run.

While it is true that parents have the responsibility to provide all the material needs of the children because of their love for them, it is necessary that they do an equally important responsibility in disciplining them, as an essence of love for them. Both love and discipline are equally essential forms of love for our children.  Disciplining our children should start at a very early age. While it is not correct to say that parents need to use corporal punishment as part of the discipline it should be considered that the absence of appropriate penalty for ignoring house rules would clearly mean that discipline cannot be enforced oftentimes.

 In so many cases, parents neither have the time nor the energy to discipline their children. Giving in to the demands of children and pampering them or bribing them even to do their own chores seems to be the order of the day. The fact that children cannot be obligated to participate in home functions by doing their own chores and contributing to the upkeep of the home says a lot about the way in which parents bring up their children. Undisciplined children seemed to be so used to a life of ease that they are not able to face occurrences even with little pressure against it. As an example, while it is the responsibility of the child to do his/her homework, parents must share an equal obligation to see to it that the child does the homework before playing computer games.

There are many reasons why a parent becomes averse to discipline a child. Many psychologists opined that some parents may be reluctant to discipline their children because they want to avoid having conflict or because they don’t want to have their child to be indignant at them. Other parents may be unable or unwilling to devote time, perseverance and patience to the task of disciplining children. Many others may have unpleasant memories of being disciplined when they were children, the reason why parents may want to make things easier on their own children by having slack rules and giving them more freedom. 

But the actuality is that discipline is not about creating conflict with your child and creating a hostile parent-child relationship. Discipline is not shouting and showing “temper tantrums” in anger to a child. Definitely, discipline is not physically beating or mentally abusing a child. When properly done, child discipline is never about controlling your child but most importantly about showing how to control the child’s own behavior. Discipline is not about penalizing a child for doing something bad or wrong but is about setting clear benchmarks and consequences for breaking rules so that the child learns how to discipline himself/herself when confronted with constraints in a real and harsh world.

"A child who has been taught right from wrong and has a concrete sense of what is good and bad behavior will know when he/she has done something wrong.  A child will want to behave appropriately out of the aspiration to be a good member of the family and desirable citizen of society and never because he/she fears punishment. As always, discipline of a child should start at home in order that the child would easily adapt to the rules and boundaries in the school and other sectors of the community." 

What many parents who are reluctant to discipline children may not understand is how damaging it can be for a child to fail to recognize parameters and lack boundaries. Without discipline, children will be deficient in the essential skills in life to overcome problems of their own.  Even though discipline is deemed difficult at first, it always works well in teaching children to live within certain codes and respecting them. Just as adults live by the laws of the land, children need to live by certain values and conform to certain behaviors. Disciplining children is applying a certain amount of pressure on them the purpose of which is not to make life miserable for them but rather to mold or cast them to fit and be acceptable to society. When they are trained this way, children find it easier to adapt to pressure and live within rules and norms of a school or college or home or later on in employment life. Parental indulgence, lack of guidance and looking the other way when the child does what is wrong always encourage wrong behaviors in the child.

Psychologists have likewise confirmed that children without discipline find it difficult to be in control of their emotions and behavior even in community life because they have never been trained to handle themselves and their emotion adequately.

Many parents, mostly the rich and powerful families came only to realize the essence of discipline in raising their children until it was too late, upon seeing of what had become of them as letdowns in their personal and professional life.

 In the Philippines, we have read about the infamous case of the Delta Gang, members of which came from affluent families and who were sentenced to death for the rape of beauty queen and actress Maggie de la Riva. Similar criminal incidents involving “spoiled brats”, products of upbringing without discipline are Boy Vergel, Arturo “Boy Golden” Porcuna, Eddie Fernandez, Bingbong Crisologo and Grepor"Butch" Belgica, among many others. Former City Mayor Edward Hagedorn once led a “terror” teenage gang in Manila's “University belt” until his father finally “put down his foot” and sent him to faraway Palawan to tend to the family’s farm. The “harsh” discipline of Hagedorn’s father softened Edward’s violent ways. History will tell that Edward Hagedorn became the Mayor of Puerto Princesa and converted the city from a “sleepy” community to a booming economic center in the country, making Palawan known in the national business map.     

My Own Upbringing

I consider it a great personal misfortune to lose my father day after of my first birthday. I was told by my mother and uncles that my father, a USAFEE soldier in World War 2, was killed in a military encounter with the Japanese forces in 1943. 

Being a single parent, my mother was forced to work on 2 jobs to put food on the table for me and her orphaned nephew and nieces. Both these tribulations would greatly affect my childhood and my future life.

Without a father and with a mother whom I seldom see because of her work, I was left literally on my own.  The lack of the basic material things in life was made worse by the lack of parental guidance and discipline on my part. Under these circumstances, I became independent at an early age trying to solve and struggle with my personal problems. Maybe because of this, I made many blunders and bad choices that would affect my later life because of the frailties of a young mind and the absence of guidance and discipline.  

I started drinking and smoking at a young age of 12 years, then a pupil in the elementary school.  First it was just a sip of the local coconut drink “tuba” until it became a daily routine session with my classmates after class. My drinking demon progressed to my high school and college days and would later cause me a lot of serious problems which I was not proud of.  As I had nobody to tell me what is right and what is wrong and give parameters to respect and follow, I went with the bad boys in my age group and that had a bad influence on me. 

I became rebellious and belligerent, and I learned to hate the world. Although I passed my elementary and high school education with honors, I cannot remember studying in the school’s library or had been diligent with my homework and assignments.  Then, I was callous and bitter for everything the world offered because of my misfortune of losing my father and an infrequent attention from my widowed mother.

The little good sense that remained in me took over my misguided life with the approval of my USVA educational benefits with a monthly pension of $80 in 1961. At last, I felt that God has given me the hope and opportunity to mend my ways and change the path of my life. Yet all the distractions and misdirection that I took in my early life was mainly because of the absence of parental love and discipline or the lack of it, to say the least. Fortunately, my life has made a 360-degree turn when I got married to a wonderful lady who accepted me with my foreground and all my human inequities. By the time my first child, a daughter, was born in 1972, I was ready to shed all my insecurities in life and make a complete change for the sake of my growing family.  Had I not taken a timely departure from my wrongful ways to salvage my life being wasted and went along the path of rectitude, I can imagine the likelihood to have become a bad element of society.  With all candor and humility, the status and achievements of my 4 children in their personal and professional life would affirm the fact that me and my wife raised them with love and discipline, an inseparable duo in parenting.    

Conclusion

The Holy Bible has affirmed the need to discipline our children as an essence of love. In Deuteronomy 5:16 it is concise and clear of God’s will for children to honor their parents. “Honor thy father and mother, as the Lord your God has commanded you, so that you may live long and that it may go well with you in the land Of the LORD your God is giving you”. 

Hereunder are some Biblical edicts in child-rearing.

“It is not righteous to raise a child who lacks self-discipline and is controlled by his or her desires, whether for attention, food, material demands, or seeking to gain something from nothing”.

“Love is actively training and teaching our children – diligently.” (Deuteronomy 6 : 6-7)

“Love is applying with faithful discipline.” (Proverbs 23:24, 22:15, 23:13-14, 29-17) Discipline with consistency.”

What Author Laurie J Cooper said about Discipline: 

“Discipline is giving your child a 'track to run on'; guidelines and boundaries, as they find their way through this life. Think about it this way - can you imagine if you woke up in the morning, got into your car to drive to work and when you got out on the roads, there were no white lines, no yellow lines, no traffic lights, or signs, and no speed limit? That would be pretty scary. There would be cars all over the place going in all different directions! Not only would you not know what to do and where to go, but you wouldn't be able to determine where someone else might be going or what they might be doing.  This is exactly what it feels like for a child with no discipline. Children want your guidance! They need your help! “

In conclusion, it is mandatory that parents give the maximum of their love and attention to their children, but at the same time, keep a strict control on their activities. It is the home and the endearing love of its family members that brings about a turnaround in a child's life. Saying that parents are bad parents if they deal with their children with appropriate discipline and strictness is definitely untrue and a parable.

I have always believed that the real measure of parents is not what have become of them but what had become of their children!

 Sources: 

New American Bible

Child Psychology Guidebook