The Will To Live of A Cancer Victim

 Rogelio G. Balo Ph.D.

 

 Introduction

*Follow along,

Words spreading like raging fire above the grassy plains

Snow raining down like bullets at the summit

Hard to miss, yet soft by touch

Never giving up, and to realize it’s just beginning

The end is never near unless one is to give up...

 

Follow along, once more.

Walking down a path that might end up upon a cliff

Feelings being torn to pieces by the power of fear, like burning rocks coming through the atmosphere

Enduring what’s yet to come, descending from the skies above an answer to all our worries

A light shining through dark days is the hope that’s yet to fade from everyone’s hearts

The will to live, yet overcoming many hardships is the key to survival.”

 * Carlos Andres Gomez

Losing the Will to Live in Elderly Persons

*In the field of psychology, the will to live is an important concept when attempting to understand why we do what we do in order to stay alive, and for as long as we can.*

*World renowned psychologists agree that the will to live is the impetus for self-preservation, usually coupled with the hope for a future improvement in one's state in life. This can be related to either one's push for survival on the brink of death, or someone who is just trying to find a meaning to continuing their life*

*Aging is a series of processes that begin with life and continue throughout the life cycle. It represents the closing period in the lifespan, a time when the individual looks back on life, lives on past accomplishments and begins to finish off his life course. Adjusting to the changes that accompany old age requires that an individual is flexible and develops new coping skills to adapt to the changes that are common to this time in their lives.

(Warnick, 1995).*

*There is a growing body of evidence that suggests that aging has a positive correlation of someone’s religious beliefs, social relationships, perceived health, self-efficacy, socioeconomic status and resiliency, among others. *

Despite the persisting belief that depression is synonymous with aging and being inevitable, recent research dispels this faulty view emphasizing that depression has a causal link to numerous physical, social and psychological difficulties. Physical health is indeed the major cause of depression in late life and an elderly person in good physical health has a relatively low risk of depression.

It is a fact that an elderly person experience loneliness either as a result of living alone, absence of close family ties and inability to actively participate in the local community activities. When this combination occurs with physical disability, depression is the common outcome.

The negative effect of loneliness on health in old age has been reported by researchers (Heikkinen et al., 1995). * A study by Max et al. (2005) revealed that the presence of perceived loneliness contributed strongly to the effect of depression on mortality. Depression is a problem that often accompanies loneliness. In many cases, depressive symptoms such as withdrawal, anxiety, lack of motivation and sadness mimic and mask the symptoms of loneliness.Go to:

As we grow older, we are confronted with numerous physical, psychological and social role alterations that challenge our personal sense and desire to live happily.

Many research studies concluded that Depression and loneliness are considered to be the major problems leading to the blighted quality of life among elderly persons.

Personal Reflections on The Will to Live

Early this year, I turned 80 years old, a milestone in my life. With the average life expectancy of 71.4 years for Filipino males, I surmise that this is something I have to be thankful and grateful to God Almighty.

With all candor and humility, I could claim that I have been quite successful in my multiple roles as a son, a husband, father and other relations in my social life.

Completing both bachelor's degrees in Mechanical and Industrial Engineering and earning MBA and PhD degrees, anyone in my position would bask in the euphoria for this academic achievement.

After a fulfilling and very lucrative 17-year overseas employment, I finally decided to fully retire at the age of 58. I was happy to be home with my family, resuming a normal social life with renewed enthusiasm and hope for a wonderful new stage in late life.

Most importantly, I have afforded my family with a comfortable life and provided opportunities to our 4 children to avail of the best education there is. Now that my children have become successful professionals in their respective fields, I have relished on the intrinsic reward to have reached the pinnacle of my professional and social life, stepping on the highest ladder of Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs, self-gratification.    

Despite having underlying ailments as Diabetes Mellitus II and atherosclerosis, I was motivated to continue my studies in the PhD program while teaching at the Graduate School of a big University in my home city at the same time. 

My appointment in the Bacolod City government as Secretary to the Mayor in 2004 (at age 62) and promotion as City Administrator in 2006 until 2012 had revived my fervor for a fast social life, public service being in a strange “unchartered water” to thread.  

During my aforementioned positions in the city government, besides supervising the operations of all city departments and my other responsibilities include planning and implementing the city development programs, attendance to local, regional and national meetings with other government agencies, press conferences and acting as representative of the City Mayor in numerous social and speaking engagements, among many others.   

Concurrent with my tenure as Assistant Professor at the University of St. La Salle Graduate School after office hours, I would say that I was physically and mentally healthy, with high spirits and enjoying social life as an elderly person.

The Complete Turnover of My Life

It was on May 20, 2013 during my vacation in the US when I was diagnosed with prostate cancer. After a biopsy procedure, the Pathology report affirmed the presence of tumor and had started with an aggressive invasion of the other parts of the prostate. I was with my wife inside the Kaiser Permanente Pathology Office in Fresno California when we were informed about the positive findings of prostate cancer and the options open for our decision.

Strange Stages of Personal Mindsets

Learning of having the dreaded disease was like an explosion of a deafening bomb that gave me the feeling of numbness just like the world suddenly stopped.  My mind started to entertain the negative thought that my life suddenly went out of control and had just received an imposition of a ghastly death sentence.

I saw my wife beside me looking awfully sad and helpless, yet she had offered the most consoling words of love and support that tempered my intense feelings of anxiety and frantic fear of death.  She assured me that I will receive the best health care for my condition and that we both and the rest of our family will be together in dealing with the catastrophic situation.

 Just knowing of having cancer can bring up a wide range of strange feelings that are difficult to deal with, making existing feelings seem more intense, at the same time. After being overwhelmed by the “bombshell”, I have undergone the intense feelings of denial, anger, anxiety and fear, stress and depression, sadness, guilt and hope at least.

When I was first diagnosed of having cancer, I had trouble accepting the fact that I have the dreaded disease. The denial stage is beneficial since it has given me time to adjust to the diagnosis and feel hopeful of the future. Oftentimes however, when denial lasts too long, it can keep you from getting the treatment you need, thus becoming a serious problem.

In my case, the good news is that denial was short-lived, and I have accepted that I have prostate cancer and must move on with life, or what’s left with it.  At this same stage, I was overcome with anger and resentment towards almost everyone with the question, Why me?, and why not others?

 I even directed the same question to God, being a devoted follower of the Catholic faith since birth. 

With anger, my whole being was overcome with fear and worry, anxiety and uncertainty, irritability, helplessness and a dash of hope. With these feelings I found it very difficult to pretend that everything was alright.

Having cancer is definitely a scary thing. My anxiety knew no bounds, from the fear of being in pain for the treatment, paying the bills, leaving my wife alone and the rest of my family. These feelings gave me sleepless nights and gloomy days for a couple of weeks.

One thing that gave us big relief though was the realization that the medical expenses for my treatment was fully covered by the health insurance benefits of my wife, her being a current California state and federal employee and me as her sole beneficiary.  

After some exasperating and perplexing moments for both me and my wife and irritating conferences with my Urologist and Primary Doctor, we have decided for me to undergo prostatectomy (removal of the prostate gland) at the earliest time possible. I was reassured by the attending medical staff that I was indeed lucky to have been diagnosed with the prostate cancer at its very early stage. 

I underwent Robotic prostatectomy on July 30, 2013 only two (2) months and ten (10) days after my first diagnosis.  

Before the surgery, I fervently prayed daily to God to bless me with a safe and successful surgery and to save me and my family from the misery of this catastrophe.

The surgery went very well and after just 3 days in the hospital I found myself being wheeled out of the hospital with my 7-year-old granddaughter Allie beside my wife, daughter Beverly and son-in-law Jeff.  

Except for the tolerable pain from surgery and temporary uneasiness, my recuperation was fast and steady for an early recovery. I underwent radiation therapy on Sept. 12, 2013 for almost 3 months. My testosterone level and PSA number were monitored almost every month for the last 9 years (after the surgery) and showed desirable results. Except for a minimal incontinence, I had lived a normal and happy life with my wife in Fresno California.

After my wife retired from her employment with the California Dept. of Public Health on Dec. 15, 2021, we both decided to come back home to the Philippines to spend the remaining years of our lives. 

We arrived in Manila on May 20, 2022 and now both enjoying the company of our three (3) children and their families (seven (7) grandchildren) other relatives and friends. More importantly we are in close contact almost daily with our eldest daughter Beverly, son-in-law Jeff and granddaughter Allie, who is now, a pretty and intelligent 14-year-old high school student in Rocklin, California.    

Until today, September 25, 2022, it has been nine (9) years, one (1) month and 25 days after my prostatectomy and I am still alive, healthy and full of life.

I Want to Live… More With Life!

A couple of my cancer treatment physicians have assured me that after more than 9 years after my prostate surgery and still maintaining normal health, I can consider myself a cancer survivor. Or am I?

Although the power of the mind had not been proven scientifically for an elderly person like me to control the course of cancer, I firmly believe in the power of the will to live. I am one of those who can attest to the power of positive attitudes and emotions especially during serious struggles in life.

Although the fear of death is prevalent in anyone, my will to live is amazingly strong believing that my life is not over yet and want to get more and enjoy while alive.   

Even having been a victim of cancer and with other underlying health issues, I would still get out of bed every morning with a smile on my face and ready to confront and enjoy another day in life.

I always believe that there was a whole lot worth fighting for. Still relishing an enchanted love affair with my wife of 50 years, 4 children and their families, (with 8 adorable grandchildren) I could not even think of just giving up on life that easy without a good fight until my last breath.  

Most importantly, I have a very supportive family who helps me transcend my health problems and improved my zest and ability to cope with the biggest fight of my life. With my family close and loving support, I have never felt loneliness and a helpless victim of cancer.

My struggle with cancer goes on …

But, the power of my will to live will be strengthened by the support of my family and nourished by hope. I promise myself to continue having the sublime feelings of experiencing the wonders of life and appreciate its meanings through spirited living.